#YouAreLoved at #TheFeast I met this girl in college. She was a good companion, maayos kausap, at masayang kasama. Eventually, we engaged into a romantic relationship. Ang definition ko ng love noon was “I will give everything.” So I eventually gave myself and everything to this girl. Mahal ko eh! Basta masaya siya, okay na ako kahit hindi ko unahin ang sarili ko. Hanggang sa hindi na ako nagsisimba kasi I was so focused on her. Dito na rin ako nagsimulang maka-experience ng premarital sex, and we became addicted to it. Kabibigay namin ng sarili namin sa isa’t isa, huli na nang ma-realize namin na nauubos na ang pagkatao namin. Lagi na kaming nag-aaway. Mabilis na akong mainis at magalit. Naging on and off ang relationship namin until eventually, we decided to break up. Ang natatandaan kong dahilan ng break-up ay dahil din sa addiction ko sa computer games. #DOTA #LOL pa more! March 2015, I started flirting with different girls and engaging in premarital sex. I did these things to feed my addiction. Gusto ko ring patunayan kay Ex na hindi lang siya ang babae sa mundo at kaya ko pang magmahal ulit. Days passed, I realized na siya pa rin ang gusto ko. I prayed na makapag-usap kami ulit. It happened eventually, but I was too late. Meron na siyang iba, and three months nang pregnant. I didn’t blame her, kasalanan ko naman talaga kung bakit siya nawala. THE GRAVEST SIN After that, I became devastated and depressed, so I continued my vices and addiction. I went to different bars alone. I hooked up with different girls. Then another storm came into my life. Nakabuntis ako ng ibang babae. ‘Di ko alam ang gagawin ko kasi ‘di ko naman siya mahal. And this is the first time that I’m sharing this in writing… Sa takot ko, I asked her to ABORT THE CHILD. So it happened. I committed the gravest sin. It’s all on me. Fast forward, I was so scared kay God. Sobrang lumayo ako sa Kanya, and hindi ako makatuntong sa simbahan. I accepted my fate na wala na talaga. I even thought of killing myself kasi alam kong sa impiyerno na ako didiretso eh. Kaya lang natakot din akong patayin ang sarili ko. I even ended up asking God na kunin Niya na lang ako. I lived like a walking dead. ‘Yung tipong gigising ka, you feel empty and guilty. Walang direction sa buhay. November 2015, my auntie told me na pumunta ng Kerygma Conference. Sabi ko, “Ha? Ano ‘yan? Alive-alive, alien-alien ‘yan eh!” “Naku! Naibili ka na ng ticket.” “‘Wag na. Benta n’yo na lang sa iba.” Then eventually, na-convince niya ako. “Maraming chicks dun!” Sabay sabi ko, “Ah, sige. Saan ba ‘yan? Ito na nga, magbibihis na ako eh.” FINALLY HOME So I went to Kerygma Youth Conference 2015. Pagpasok ko pa lang, kinilabutan na ako. Hindi ko maintindihan. ‘Yung purpose kong mang-chicks sana naiba. I started raising my hands. Hindi ko namalayang unti-unti nang pumapatak ang aking

#YouAreLoved at #TheFeast "Anak, mabilis lang ‘to. Mabilis lang ang five years. Konting tiis lang. Para sa atin ‘to," my mom told me as I accompanied her to the airport. I just couldn't help but hug her and try to stop her, "Ma, ‘wag ka nang umalis, please! Maawa ka sa ‘kin. Wala si Daddy sa tabi ko, pati ikaw mawawala. Please, ‘wag ka nang umalis!" We were hugging long as I was ventilating and crying to her. She said, "Pero kailangan kasi, Anak," as she let go of me with tears in her eyes and walked away. In the year 2000, my mom made the big decision to follow my dad in America as my dad's work abroad was no longer enough to provide for our family’s growing needs. My heart was so torn that even if I knew the reason why, I couldn't take the pain. It was so overwhelming for an 8-year-old kid like me. During that time, Internet was not yet used for communications; we could communicate only via telephone. And since it was pricey, our time to talk was limited. It was such a heartbreaking struggle for a child like me to have no physical parents at home with only my siblings and helpers to look after me. And since my siblings also had their own struggles, we grew up not being that close as ordinary Filipino siblings do. I would feel the pain every time I graduated, sometimes with honors, to go up on stage with no parents while having to see my classmates have theirs beside them. There was never a graduation in my life that my parents got to attend. How I wished back then they could see my success as a student because I worked hard for it. When it was my mom's fifth year in the USA, I asked her when she would go home that year, and she told me, "Anak, konting tiis lang, mukhang matagal pa." Fast forward to present, she still hasn't come home. I am already 25 right now, and it has been 17 long years. Growing up holding on to those promising words was really a disaster to my heart. I began to feel angry at my parents, to the world, and admittedly—to God. I would always have negative self-talks, discouraging and putting down myself, "Ikaw kasi! Hindi ka katulad nila na magagaling. Hindi ka pogi. Maliit ka. Hindi ka nagma-matter sa mga tao. Hindi ka mahalaga sa mundo. Hindi ako satisfied sa mga pinaggagagawa mo. Hindi ka sapat, Midler!" I became a people-pleaser. I always treat my friends, became over generous, spent money like there was no tomorrow. I became so busy trying to achieve everything I could, competing against everyone to get the number one spot just to get the attention of my parents as an act of rebellion. That they would change their minds and go home to notice and love me because I am such a success, that I am “KEEPABLE.” I